The Feedback Paradox: Growth Or Validation ?

The Feedback Paradox: “Leave Me Alone” or “Please Validate Me”

 

Feedback is probably one of the most valuable tools for personal and professional development. It helps us improve, adapt, and understand ourselves better. Yet, many of us are (too) quick to reject it or avoid it. At the same time, we spend hours on social media, chasing likes, comments, and shares to validate our popularity, or basically who we are and how we are perceived.

 

So, why do we resist direct (human) feedback while craving approval from people online, often people we don’t even know? And how can we approach feedback in a healthier, more constructive way?

 

 

1. Avoiding Feedback?

 

For some people, the very idea of feedback triggers defensiveness or rejection. You’ve probably heard phrases like:

     •           “This is just who I am.”

     •           “Feedback is just another way to criticize me.”

     •           “I don’t need to change; people should just accept me as I am.”

 

This might sound like confidence or pride. But often, it masks something deeper: fear. Fear of just being criticized. Fear of uncomfortable truths. Fear of discovering that the image we project doesn’t align with reality.

 

Here are a few examples of how this fear plays out:

 

The “I’m Fine As I Am” Type

 

For these individuals, asking for feedback feels like admitting weakness. They believe their actions speak for themselves and that others should accept them, and their behaviors,  without question.

     •           What they think: “I know my worth. I don’t need anyone telling me what I do right or wrong.”

     •           What they fear: That feedback might challenge their self-image or reveal flaws.

 

The Cynic

 

Some people avoid feedback because they’ve had bad experiences in the past. Maybe someone was too harsh or judgmental, leaving them skeptical of any feedback at all.

     •           What they think: “Feedback is just an excuse for people to bring me down.”

     •           What they fear: Reliving those moments of judgment or criticism.

 

The Resigned

 

This group doesn’t reject feedback out of pride but out of hopelessness. They believe they can’t change or that no effort will make a difference in how others see them.

     •           What they think: “This is just how I am. You can take it or leave it.”

     •           What they fear: That feedback will demand an effort they don’t feel ready to make.

 

 

2. Why are we after Validation on Social Media

 

Here’s where the paradox gets interesting: the same people who avoid feedback often spend hours perfecting their LinkedIn profiles, checking how many likes their posts get, or scrolling through comments. Why? Because validation through social media feels safer.

 

Social media gives us a way to feel seen and appreciated with little risk. A like or a kind comment feels like instant approval, without the discomfort of deeper reflection or criticism.

 

But this kind of validation is surface-level:

     •           On social media: “I control what others see of me.”

     •           Through feedback: “I discover what others actually think of me.”

 

 

3. The Illusion of Control

 

Social media lets us control the narrative. We carefully choose what to share—our successes, talents, and inspiring moments. Sometimes we even add a touch of vulnerability to make it feel authentic.

 

Feedback, on the other hand, takes away that control. It shows us parts of ourselves we might not want to see or acknowledge. It’s unpredictable and can make us feel exposed.

 

And yet, that’s exactly why feedback is so valuable. It holds up a mirror, offering us a chance to see how others perceive us—unfiltered and honest.

 

 

4. Why Feedback Is Better Than Validation

 

Feedback isn’t just about pointing out mistakes. It’s an opportunity to grow. Validation might make us feel good in the moment, but feedback goes deeper. It explains why we’re liked—or why we’re not.

 

Here’s why feedback matters:

     •           Clarity: Feedback helps you understand your strengths and weaknesses from another person’s perspective.

     •           Depth: Likes and comments are superficial; feedback explores the “why” behind how people see you.

     •           Growth: Feedback identifies areas to improve and builds on what you’re already doing well.

 

 

5. How to Start Embracing Feedback

 

If feedback feels intimidating, it helps to change the way we think about it. Here are a few tips:

        1.      Think of feedback as a reflection, not a judgment. It’s about how others perceive you, not about defining who you are.

        2.      Look for actionable takeaways. Good feedback highlights specific things you can improve or strengths you can build on.

        3.      Ask people you trust. Start with those who genuinely want to help you grow and know how to deliver input kindly.

        4.      Detach feedback from your ego. Your worth isn’t tied to someone else’s perception of you.

 

6. Beyond Validation

 

This paradox between rejecting feedback and chasing validation is deeply human. It’s not really a contradiction—it’s a tension between wanting to be seen and fearing judgment.

 

Social media gives us the illusion of control, but feedback offers something more meaningful. It’s a chance to grow, improve, and understand ourselves better.

 

The next time you feel defensive about feedback, ask yourself:

     •           Are you avoiding discomfort at the cost of growth?

     •           Are you choosing superficial validation over genuine insight?

 

Being seen is nice. But being understood? That’s where the real magic happens.